Planning a relapse…

bang.jpg

141 days today! I have not been in a good place for several weeks now. Not really understanding why, at first, I just resigned it to a blue mood and to just wait it out. I was feeling all balled up inside and could barely make a sentence that made any sense to myself about how I was feeling and why. As the days went along, I kept telling myself that I really had no good reason to feel the way I was, because after all, we are going on a cruise for my 50th birthday. I kept telling myself how grateful I should be, and that life is pretty good. But still, I felt a dark bleakness come over me daily. I was truly feeling depressed and a relapse was sounding like a great relief (not). Last week I began having panic attacks. So, now I’m really thinking, “What the heck is going on with me?” Here I have all this sobriety under my belt, I’m turning 50, I’m going on a cruise with my family… and then it happened. I had a flashback of my mother lying on the bathroom floor in her own vomit. She was burning up. It was my 49th birthday. We got her to the hospital. 2 days later we received the diagnoses of terminal cancer. 39 days after that she was gone. It was awful! Every last second of it.
Sometimes I cannot get in touch with my own feelings, and now I’m realizing that it is a recipe for a relapse.
On top of dealing with the one year anniversary of my mother being diagnosed with terminal cancer, my husband has been a real schmuck to me for a couple of months now. I tried several times to get him to talk about what was up with him, but being a passive aggressive who does not communicate, I knew I was beating my head against the wall. Last week, he told me he does not respect me anymore. What? Excuse me?…
I asked him to come to my therapy session last Saturday. He reluctantly agreed. During the session he apparently had and “epiphany”. Please share I asked. He was as giddy as a little old lady with a new, vintage Powder Puff Doll. “I finally figured out why I’ve been such an ass to you.” “Yes, and…” “I’m resentful that you don’t drink anymore. Life is boring now. I wish we could have some fun like we used to. I don’t like the way things are now.”
I can’t, I just can’t… I’m still in shock! Here, this guy berated me everyday to quit drinking. Told me I was a bad mother, and wife, and that I was destroying all of our lives. He shamed me constantly. He was completely surprised that I was not happy for him and his “epiphany”. He said, “Well, now I won’t treat you as bad now that I know why I was angry with you.” “Angry with me? I have almost 5 months of sobriety that you practically begged me to do.”
So, as you can all imagine, I’m pretty confused, and pissed off!. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I’ve found myself planning a relapse on the cruise because I’m so upset about everything going on in my life. Believe me. I know that is not the answer. I’m just saying it out loud to be accountable. I’ve put a call into my addiction doctor. I don’t usually ask for meds, but I am so afraid of throwing this all away. So, Ive asked him for a temporary anxiety med., and an increase of Antabuse (I was on a low dose because it upset my stomach). I’m implementing these safeguards because I truly do not want to start all over again. It is so not worth it. But, I am worth it! Even if I do have an ASS for a husband. Just saying…

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Ramblings…

Angel of grief

Today is day 83, of my journey back to sobriety/recovery. I’m feeling deep angst lately. Although my life in general is fairly stable, the gut wrenching anxiety has returned. It’s time I start journalling on a more regular basis in order to process all of anxiety ridden feelings stirring around in me.

My father’s birthday was a few days ago. He passed away 7 years ago. He would have been 77, had he lived. I never expect anniversary dates to rattle me, but with both my parents gone now, (Mother passed away May 2015) I’m realizing that I cannot escape the waves of grief that come over me on certain anniversary dates. I miss both of my parents so very much that, yes, it hurts, it hurts a lot. One thing that really hurts, is all of the unfinished; the conversations, plans, goals, etc., but mostly I miss their energy, their living energy. I know they say that energy never dies, but why can’t I feel them? Or maybe I can, I just don’t realize it because I happen to be one of those people who, if I can’t see it, touch it, feel it, then it must not be there. On the flip side of that thought, I consider myself to be  somewhat empathic, and there are just too many things that have happened since they have passed that I cannot explain.

Today my parents would have been married 57 years. Another anniversary. It’s all just so bittersweet in it’s way. So much sadness I feel, coupled with so much happiness for the lives they had. They both loved life, although it wasn’t always easy for them. They persevered through some very hard times, along with my sister’s and I. They were deeply passionate about so many things, that it has left me envying them both. I only hope that someday I will experience the level of passion that they had for things most important to them.

Grief is a complicated process, one for which I wish I had a manual for, you know, so I would know exactly what to do every step of the way. I’m such a control freak, and the not knowing exactly how to maneuver this has me all tied up in knots.

Note to self: Slow down, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that this is a hard emotional process. You can do hard things. Believe in yourself, the way you believed in them.

Every little thing is going to be alright…

Second guessing…

wrong direction

I’m a second guesser, I always have been. It usually sounds something like this; “Did I say something wrong and that’s why he/she hasn’t responded?” Or, “If only I had done that differently, she/he would like or approve of me.” Then there are self defeating thoughts, “I’m so fat, ugly and unloveable.” Or ” I’m so stupid, why can’t I be smart like everyone else?” And that brings me to the dreadful comparisons, “I wish I had her life, mine sucks!” Or, “If only I were as thin and pretty as her.”  Ugh! It’s maddening! I nauseate myself just reading those thoughts on the screen! Imagine what must be going on inside of me when I constantly barrage myself with toxic thoughts like that? This type of thinking comes from extreme low self esteem, which was bred from an abusive and neglectful childhood. Which you guessed it folks, creates a fully function, co-dependent, broken-souled, mis-fit of a person! Yah, I know, boo-hoo, poor me, and all that BS. Seriously, I am past all that sh_t. I know what it is and why it happens, but I am still left to deal with the repercussions, and believe me, I deal with it everyday. Low self-esteem, shattered self-worth, down on myself, call it what you like, but the bottom line is when we are dealing with addiction and trying to recover, these toxic thoughts (whether conscious or unconscious) set us up for failure over and over again and again. It is our job to fix this. Thoughts are things, and they create our reality. It really is as simple as that. Right? If it’s that simple then why is it so difficult to change our reality? I consciously work on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones all of the time, but the negative voices still come. How do we make a permanent change so that positive thoughts come to us automatically? Now this, my friends is not so simple at all. It takes work and lots of practice, a life-long practice. I do not believe that there is a cure for this malady of the mind. It is something that we must be aware of (sometimes, painfully so) everyday. We must make a conscious effort to be good to ourselves, whether it be with our words, food, with our bodies, but especially our sense of self, because trust me my friends, if you’ll do it to yourself, then yes, someone else will do it to you too! We teach people how to treat us. That is a fact.

I don’t have the all answers (although, I certainly like to think I do 😀 ) as my life is one big, long, continual learning lesson. So, I’d love to hear your thoughts about healing ourselves emotionally in order to create the life we desire and deserve.