Today is day 83, of my journey back to sobriety/recovery. I’m feeling deep angst lately. Although my life in general is fairly stable, the gut wrenching anxiety has returned. It’s time I start journalling on a more regular basis in order to process all of anxiety ridden feelings stirring around in me.
My father’s birthday was a few days ago. He passed away 7 years ago. He would have been 77, had he lived. I never expect anniversary dates to rattle me, but with both my parents gone now, (Mother passed away May 2015) I’m realizing that I cannot escape the waves of grief that come over me on certain anniversary dates. I miss both of my parents so very much that, yes, it hurts, it hurts a lot. One thing that really hurts, is all of the unfinished; the conversations, plans, goals, etc., but mostly I miss their energy, their living energy. I know they say that energy never dies, but why can’t I feel them? Or maybe I can, I just don’t realize it because I happen to be one of those people who, if I can’t see it, touch it, feel it, then it must not be there. On the flip side of that thought, I consider myself to be somewhat empathic, and there are just too many things that have happened since they have passed that I cannot explain.
Today my parents would have been married 57 years. Another anniversary. It’s all just so bittersweet in it’s way. So much sadness I feel, coupled with so much happiness for the lives they had. They both loved life, although it wasn’t always easy for them. They persevered through some very hard times, along with my sister’s and I. They were deeply passionate about so many things, that it has left me envying them both. I only hope that someday I will experience the level of passion that they had for things most important to them.
Grief is a complicated process, one for which I wish I had a manual for, you know, so I would know exactly what to do every step of the way. I’m such a control freak, and the not knowing exactly how to maneuver this has me all tied up in knots.
Note to self: Slow down, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that this is a hard emotional process. You can do hard things. Believe in yourself, the way you believed in them.
Every little thing is going to be alright…