Planning a relapse…

bang.jpg

141 days today! I have not been in a good place for several weeks now. Not really understanding why, at first, I just resigned it to a blue mood and to just wait it out. I was feeling all balled up inside and could barely make a sentence that made any sense to myself about how I was feeling and why. As the days went along, I kept telling myself that I really had no good reason to feel the way I was, because after all, we are going on a cruise for my 50th birthday. I kept telling myself how grateful I should be, and that life is pretty good. But still, I felt a dark bleakness come over me daily. I was truly feeling depressed and a relapse was sounding like a great relief (not). Last week I began having panic attacks. So, now I’m really thinking, “What the heck is going on with me?” Here I have all this sobriety under my belt, I’m turning 50, I’m going on a cruise with my family… and then it happened. I had a flashback of my mother lying on the bathroom floor in her own vomit. She was burning up. It was my 49th birthday. We got her to the hospital. 2 days later we received the diagnoses of terminal cancer. 39 days after that she was gone. It was awful! Every last second of it.
Sometimes I cannot get in touch with my own feelings, and now I’m realizing that it is a recipe for a relapse.
On top of dealing with the one year anniversary of my mother being diagnosed with terminal cancer, my husband has been a real schmuck to me for a couple of months now. I tried several times to get him to talk about what was up with him, but being a passive aggressive who does not communicate, I knew I was beating my head against the wall. Last week, he told me he does not respect me anymore. What? Excuse me?…
I asked him to come to my therapy session last Saturday. He reluctantly agreed. During the session he apparently had and “epiphany”. Please share I asked. He was as giddy as a little old lady with a new, vintage Powder Puff Doll. “I finally figured out why I’ve been such an ass to you.” “Yes, and…” “I’m resentful that you don’t drink anymore. Life is boring now. I wish we could have some fun like we used to. I don’t like the way things are now.”
I can’t, I just can’t… I’m still in shock! Here, this guy berated me everyday to quit drinking. Told me I was a bad mother, and wife, and that I was destroying all of our lives. He shamed me constantly. He was completely surprised that I was not happy for him and his “epiphany”. He said, “Well, now I won’t treat you as bad now that I know why I was angry with you.” “Angry with me? I have almost 5 months of sobriety that you practically begged me to do.”
So, as you can all imagine, I’m pretty confused, and pissed off!. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I’ve found myself planning a relapse on the cruise because I’m so upset about everything going on in my life. Believe me. I know that is not the answer. I’m just saying it out loud to be accountable. I’ve put a call into my addiction doctor. I don’t usually ask for meds, but I am so afraid of throwing this all away. So, Ive asked him for a temporary anxiety med., and an increase of Antabuse (I was on a low dose because it upset my stomach). I’m implementing these safeguards because I truly do not want to start all over again. It is so not worth it. But, I am worth it! Even if I do have an ASS for a husband. Just saying…

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Planning a relapse…

  1. Hug
    I hope the therapist reminded him HE is responsible for his own fun.
    Your role is not to entertain him.

    You are doing awesome. This must be a really tough reminder of last year. That’s so sad about your mom.

    Just remind yourself she would be proud of you. You should be proud of you.

    Clear headed.

    Anne

  2. Hi Anne,
    His “epiphany”, did not hit him until we were in the car on our way home. I was however, very certain to let him know that it is not my responsibility to give him a good time.
    Thank you for your kind words. For the first time ever, I am feeling proud of myself. My other stretches of sobriety were smothered with obligation to do the right thing. I did not really care to do it for myself then, but I do now.
    Warm hugs right back at ya!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s