Planning a relapse…

141 days today! I have not been in a good place for several weeks now. Not really understanding why, at first, I just resigned it to a blue mood and to just wait it out. I was feeling all balled up inside and could barely make a sentence that made any sense to myself about how I was feeling and why. As the days went along, I kept telling myself that I really had no good reason to feel the way I was, because after all, we are going on a cruise for my 50th birthday. I kept telling myself how grateful I should be, and that life is pretty good. But still, I felt a dark bleakness come over me daily. I was truly feeling depressed and a relapse was sounding like a great relief (not). Last week I began having panic attacks. So, now I’m really thinking, “What the heck is going on with me?” Here I have all this sobriety under my belt, I’m turning 50, I’m going on a cruise with my family… and then it happened. I had a flashback of my mother lying on the bathroom floor in her own vomit. She was burning up. It was my 49th birthday. We got her to the hospital. 2 days later we received the diagnoses of terminal cancer. 39 days after that she was gone. It was awful! Every last second of it.
Sometimes I cannot get in touch with my own feelings, and now I’m realizing that it is a recipe for a relapse.
On top of dealing with the one year anniversary of my mother being diagnosed with terminal cancer, my husband has been a real schmuck to me for a couple of months now. I tried several times to get him to talk about what was up with him, but being a passive aggressive who does not communicate, I knew I was beating my head against the wall. Last week, he told me he does not respect me anymore. What? Excuse me?…
I asked him to come to my therapy session last Saturday. He reluctantly agreed. During the session he apparently had and “epiphany”. Please share I asked. He was as giddy as a little old lady with a new, vintage Powder Puff Doll. “I finally figured out why I’ve been such an ass to you.” “Yes, and…” “I’m resentful that you don’t drink anymore. Life is boring now. I wish we could have some fun like we used to. I don’t like the way things are now.”
I can’t, I just can’t… I’m still in shock! Here, this guy berated me everyday to quit drinking. Told me I was a bad mother, and wife, and that I was destroying all of our lives. He shamed me constantly. He was completely surprised that I was not happy for him and his “epiphany”. He said, “Well, now I won’t treat you as bad now that I know why I was angry with you.” “Angry with me? I have almost 5 months of sobriety that you practically begged me to do.”
So, as you can all imagine, I’m pretty confused, and pissed off!. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I’ve found myself planning a relapse on the cruise because I’m so upset about everything going on in my life. Believe me. I know that is not the answer. I’m just saying it out loud to be accountable. I’ve put a call into my addiction doctor. I don’t usually ask for meds, but I am so afraid of throwing this all away. So, Ive asked him for a temporary anxiety med., and an increase of Antabuse (I was on a low dose because it upset my stomach). I’m implementing these safeguards because I truly do not want to start all over again. It is so not worth it. But, I am worth it! Even if I do have an ASS for a husband. Just saying…